


Never let me go

by misssushicat



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Suicide Attempt, but I'm aiming for a happy ending, can get angsty as hell probably, err I dunno what to tag this with
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 14:18:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7805056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misssushicat/pseuds/misssushicat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few years after his first suicide attempt Newt desperately tries to finish the job. What he doesn't expect is a witness that refuses to be a bystander and instead crashes into the water after him, like a modern knight in shining armor. Too bad Newt isn’t the kind of princess that wants to be rescued.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sinking - part one

The touch was like silk, embracing Newt like an old friend although they had never met under these circumstances before. He felt light as air and the darkness surrounding him made it seem like he was floating through space. Except he wasn’t floating. He was sinking.

A bit colder than he expected, but still not chilling to the bone, the water sucked him downward at a hurrying pace. Like it was trying to get it over with. God, he just wanted to get it over with.

Above him something rustled the surface, disturbing the calmness of it once again. He could feel a tug, like something was grabbing him and a fleeting thought about sea monsters managed to flash through his brain before he finally lost consciousness.

***

Thomas was shaking. His teeth clattering and fingers stiff from the cold he tried to get the right digits to appear on the screen but it was taking so long. Water kept dripping in his eyes and it stung like needles, blurring his vision. It was taking too long. _Please don’t die._ It was finally ringing and he quickly put the speaker on and threw the phone down beside the unmoving body. How was it now again? Tip the head back, pinch the nose and then just blow? _He’s going to die._ A metallic noise filled the quiet air and shortly thereafter he could hear the best thing he heard in years. Maybe they would be quick. _Maybe you won’t die._

“911 what’s your emergency?”

***

Newts’ breath was ragged and his throat felt raw. The taste of salt and something bitter was strong as he tried to focus his blurry vision. Something loomed over him. _Maybe it will eat me now._

He was being shaken ever so slightly but he did not know what the monster wanted of him, so he just kept still. It was saying something now, it sounded like a question but Newt didn’t know the answer. He was just tired, so tired. He let his eyelids slide shut. _Sleeping is good._ The thing above him was still trying to communicate but he couldn’t understand the language. Could it stop shaking him? He just wanted to sleep. He got control over one of his arms and fumbled until he could feel something other than sand beneath his palm, and then patted the being gently.

“Shh, Kraken. Sleep now.”

***

The ambulance ride was fast and went by in a haze. Thomas couldn’t remember much of it later, not that he was complaining. There were a lot of things about this night he would wish that he could forget, but they would stick with him for a long time. The paralyzing fear he felt when he realized what was happening, the weight of another persons’ body as he tried to get to the shore, the quickness of his own breath between the gulps of saltwater that he accidentally choked down, his shaking hands trying to call 911. He hoped he was fast enough. He got the guy breathing pretty quickly after the rush of water spilled out of him, but he still wasn’t sure there had been no permanent damage. The guy had been delirious, mumbling about the kraken and then trying to swat his hands away as he tried to keep him warm.

When they got to the hospital the guy got hauled one way and Thomas another. The doctor did a check-up on him, making sure that the few scrapes and bruises was the only injuries he acquired, and he got some very fancy hospital clothes to wear instead of his own. He was just happy they were dry.  He had since then managed to find the room were they had put the other guy, but the doctor couldn’t tell him anything on account of him not being a relative, so now he was stuck in some weird limbo. Thomas brain refused to let him leave until he knew if the guy was alright or not and his body was so tired he just wanted to go home and sleep, but since the stupid doctor wouldn’t tell him anything all he could do was sit and wait. He yawned once, then once again. Rubbing his eyes they felt like they were filled with sand. A pleasant smell suddenly caught his attention and he could feel his body aching for the caffeine it so desperately lacked. Coffee, he thought to himself. He needed coffee.

***

The fluorescent lights were bright and made Newts eyes sting even more than the remaining salt left from the water. He let his eyes wander on the ceiling, the too well-known feeling of dread washing over him, making his body feel heavy. He was a failure. Again.

He had planned it better this time.  He chose a remote location of the beach where no one used to hang around this time of year. He made sure to go see Minho before just like he would every Wednesday night, letting himself see his best friend one last time and at the same time making sure he would not suspect a thing. The alcohol he drank sitting in the car made him warm and confident, ensuring he would not hesitate. The rocks had been more slippery than he first had imagined, but he managed to get to the end on the stone pier without falling on his ass and the counted that as a win. Actually, he saw it as a good omen, but he would never confess that to anyone. He really thought it would work this time. He really thought it would be over.

A nurse in blue scrubs pushed the door open and looked pleasantly surprised at seeing he was still awake.

“Mr. Glew, how are you feeling?” She looked at him with a mix of concern and curiosity, sweeping her long blonde braid off her shoulder in a way so habitual he was sure she wasn’t even aware of doing it herself.

“Fine. Can I go home now?” Newt was surprised at how rough his voice sounded, like someone dragging their feet across gravel.

“I’m afraid not. We want to keep you here during the night for observation.” The nurse gave him a small smile. “We just want to make sure that you’re completely fine before we let you go.”

“That’s not your call to make, is it?” Newt knew he was being a complete and utter arse, but he just wanted to get the hell out of this hospital as soon as possible. Staying here over night just wasn’t an option. “I want to speak to a doctor.”

The nurse nodded. “Alright then, I’ll see if I can find him.” She turned around quickly, her braid bouncing on her back and he tried to ignore the hint of hurt he could see in her eyes.

“Bugger.” He whispered. He hated doing that. He hated hurting people that just happened to get in the way of his self-destructing journey.

A moment later the nurse was back, this time accompanied by a thin gray-haired man that Newt supposed was the doctor.

“Hello, I’m doctor Janson.” His hand was cold as Newt shook it and he took an instant dislike of the man. It wasn’t just his hand that was cold, his eyes were too, and Newt thought he looked a bit like a rat. And an ugly rat at that, not a cute one.

“Hey.” Newt hesitated a bit, not knowing what he should tell this man and not. He needed to somehow convince this guy that he was alright to go home, but he was sure they had his file and if they suspected, even in the slightest, that he did this on purpose they wouldn’t let him home for a long time.

“Sonya here tells me you want to go home.” Dr. Janson smiled and instead of making him look happy or inviting, it just made him look even more rat-like. “Could you maybe tell me what happened tonight?”

Newt decided to go with something close to the truth, so close in fact, that they might buy it.

“Look, I’m having a bit of a rough week. A lot of papers to grade, that stuff. So I took my car out to the beach for some peace and quiet”.

“A very secluded beach, from what I heard.” Janson interposed. Newt gave him an annoyed look.

“Like I said, I wanted some peace and quiet.” He swallowed, his throat still feeling a bit sore. “And after a few drinks I thought it would be an awesome idea to go out on that stone pier. Call it adventurousness or stupidity, but it seemed like a good ide at the time.”

“Hm.” Doctor Janson nodded, looking at his notes. “And how did you come to find yourself in the water?”

“I slipped on the wet rocks and fell in.”  Newt stated simply. It was an explanation as good as any other, and if it weren’t for his history he was sure they would’ve believed him.

“I see.” Janson nodded again. “As you might have guessed I took a look in your journal and it made me a bit concerned you see.” He looked up at Newt. “Did you try to kill yourself tonight mr. Glew?”

“No.” Newt kept his voice steady and eyes fixed on the doctor. He was a master at lying. The problem was that this guy might be a master at detecting them too.

Doctor Janson didn’t say anything for what felt like an eternity, before he nodded again. “Alright then mr. Glew, if you don’t want to stay here I’m not going to keep you against your will. There are others in need of medical care that might appreciate our efforts more.” His voice was cold, but Newt didn’t really care that they thought he was being a dick if it got him out of there.

“Thanks mate.” He nodded towards Janson who reciprocated the gesture and then walked out of the room, taking the blonde nurse with him. It wasn’t until the door shut behind them that Newt let out the shaky breath he’d been holding.

***

Thomas could hardly believe his ears. They were letting him go home? He stood outside the examination room while the conversation was taking place and heard the whole charade. _Unbelievable._ Could the doctor really be so gullible?

The door swung open and the doctor and a nurse, the same nurse that gave him the clothes, exited the room. The doctor looked stressed and to be honest kind of scary, so Thomas opted to go up to the nurse instead.

“Hey, sorry to bother you but, are you letting that guy go home?” Thomas pointed towards the room and the nurse looked him over, like she had issues placing him, but then instantly smiled as it dawned on her who he was.

“Yes, doctor Janson gave him the all-clear so he is good to go home.” After seeing the look on Thomas face, which probably had the words ‘are you shitting me?’ written all over it, she smiled reassuringly. “We took some tests to make sure. I promise you, he will be just fine.” With that she gave Thomas a quick nod before she turned around and left.

“Unbelievable.” Thomas was flabbergasted. He was sure about what he saw at that beach, and this guy didn’t just fall in the water. He jumped.

His thoughts were interrupted by a door opening behind him, almost hitting him when it swung open. He turned around quickly and found himself looking into a pair of dark brown eyes and caught himself thinking they looked just like melted chocolate, but instead of having a sweetness to them they were tinted with a sadness so abysmal he felt he could drown in them for all the wrong reasons. The guy hesitated for a moment before averting his eyes and trying to walk past Thomas.

“Why did you tell them you fell?” Thomas kept his eyes fixed on the blonde as he stopped dead in his tracks and again turned his head toward Thomas, this time looking completely bewildered. “I saw you. I dragged you out of there myself and I know-“

“You don’t know the first thing about me.” The voice was rough, like he had been asleep for a long time and just woke up, and it sent a small tingle down Thomas back. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but just scoffed and tried to turn around. But Thomas couldn’t let this go, not yet, so he just mirrored the motion and kept himself in front of the guy, successfully blocking his way to the exit. The guy looked nothing less than pissed off and shoved Thomas out of the way.

”Get out of my way.”

”Hey wait a minute!” He rushed after the guy and grabbed him by the elbow, but he yanked his arm out of Thomas grip and all but snarled.

”Get your bloody hands off me.” His eyes were almost black now and if looks could kill Thomas was sure he would drop dead in less than a second. He raised his hands as if to show he meant no harm, but it failed to lessen the anger in the blondes expression. ”Who the hell do you think you are, mate?”

In any other situation, Thomas would love to have this guy call him mate. But the way he spat it out, it sounded mean and poisonous. Like the last thing he would ever be with Thomas were friends. This notion made Thomas loose the courage he felt earlier, and in combination with all the adrenaline already having left his body, he felt like he had just rushed in to a wall.

”Look, I just want to make sure you’re alright.” He meant to keep his tone soft, to not agitate the person in front of him more, but the words came out with a sharpness to them that made him realize that he was angrier than he first had thought. This guy just tried to kill himself, Thomas was sure of it. The crap about just falling in that he had told the doctor was a flat out lie, he had no doubts about that. And what would this guy have had him do, just stand there and watch as someone was drowning? That was asking hell of a lot of a person. ”If you didn’t notice I just saved you from drowning and-”

”And who the hell asked you to do that?” Newt exploded. ”I bloody well didn’t, if I didn’t leave a ’Currently drowning, please save me’-sign on the shore that I wasn’t aware of.” Thomas had been wrong. That look before couldn’t kill, this one could. ”What’s wrong with you mate, do you have a bloody superhero complex or what?”

Thomas stood speechless as he watched him turn around and leave, without another word. Suddenly a feeling of crippling tiredness overcame him and he walked on wobbly legs to the row of orange chairs standing by the wall. He let out a shaky breath, his eyes burning behind his eyelids when he blinked and cracked his knuckles to distract himself. He should really go see Teresa. If she was working tonight, which he was pretty sure she was, and she heard about what happened tonight from someone else, well, let’s just say she would be less than happy that he didn’t come see her and let her drive him home. But did he really have the energy for a lecture on how stupid and dangerous his move had been? Nah, not tonight man. He could just talk to her tomorrow. Right now he just wanted to go home, take a long warm shower and then go to sleep. Wait, did he have class in the morning? No, no it was Wednesday right? Or was it Thursday already? He shook his head to try and clear the jumble of thoughts from his mind. Shuck it, he’d just stay home anyway. It wasn’t like he-

”Oh for fucks sake.” Thomas groaned to himself. His car. His car was still at the beach, so he had no choice but to meet the scolding eyes of his best friend tonight if he didn’t want to walk all the way home. Sighing, he got up from the chair and walked towards the exit. To be honest, walking sounded like the better option.


	2. Intertwined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night of not sleeping Thomas decides he is not ready to let last nights events or the guy with the chocolate colored eyes go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So almost one year after starting this fic I decided to try and dust it off and add some chapters. I'm a bit rusty, so sorry if the language or feeling of the fic has changed, I just basically wrote this in one sitting and posted it. Unbetad.

The light was slowly sneaking in through the window at the fifth floor of one of the less well-kept apartment buildings in town. It crept over the books and the lonely plant residing there and after a while ended up on Thomas’ face. Any other morning he would have groaned and turned to the other side, but now he just sighed and sat up, his hair a complete mess and his eyes red and bloodshot. To say it had been a rough night was an understatement. 

Somewhere between four in the morning and turning in bed for the hundred and eleventh time Thomas had finally fallen asleep. After walking about half the distance between the hospital and his apartment his tired brain had at last realized that cabs still existed in this century and he proceeded to call one and thus got home a bit quicker with the help of a, thankfully, not very chatty cabdriver named Carl. Finally at home, comfortably tucked in between his fluffy covers, he still stood no chance of falling asleep due to the thoughts racing around in his mind, reminding him of all the burdensome details of the evening that had passed. He just couldn’t stop thinking about that guy. Mr. Glew. Strange name, but that might be a good thing if Thomas were to continue with the plan he had cooked up during those sleepless hours. 

Due to his super-human hearing he had managed to hear almost all the details of the conversation between the doctor and patient, and he had specifically remembered two things; the guys name and the fact that he said he had a lot of papers to grade. So that pointed to the guy being a teacher or professor of some sort. Now, a mr. Glew that worked as a teacher, that shouldn’t be too hard to find now should it? At least, Thomas didn’t think so at three o’ clock in the morning. With the dawn approaching so came the doubts, but to be honest it was the best plan he could come up with and so he settled on it. 

Armed with a fresh pot of coffee and a fully charged battery in his laptop he started with the simplest solution he could think of. Whenever you’re wondering about something; just google it. He tried “professor Glew” first, but with over two hundred thousand hits he needed to refine his search a bit. He added “Ithaca” hoping that he would have better luck and was rewarded. 

“Professor Newt Glew at Cornell University, could you be my mystery guy?” He mumbled to himself clicking on the top link. After a bit of snooping he found a page with the professors listed with pictures an all, and what do you know he found his guy. Just like that. All hail to the internet era. 

“Well that was easy.” Thomas didn’t know whether this was good or not. If it went so smoothly now, maybe it meant that he wouldn’t be so lucky later? 

The person on the photo had a slight smile in the corner of his mouth, in contrast to the other night where he looked like the only thing he had on his mind was murder. He looked good, handsome, and Thomas remembered his thoughts about the chocolaty-eyes from the night before. He snorted. Right, he was not going down that road. He would not give Teresa the satisfaction of actually being interested in a dude after her pestering him about being gay all these years. Not in a “gay people are so gay” kind of way, just more of a pointing at strange men and whispering “that guy is your type and you know I’m right” kind of way. 

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating and Teresa was looking back at him from the screen. “Ah shoot.” He hoped she had not heard anything about last night, because if she had she was going to be pissed.

“What the fuck, Thomas?”

Well she definitely knew. “Before you say anything I just want to make the point that you reacting like this is why I didn’t tell you in the first place and I just didn’t feel like having you yell at me after having the shittiest night of my life.” He blurted it out fast, before she could say anything else and then just waited. 

“Even worse than that time you ate some bad shrimp tacos after a night of drunken escapades and vomited all over yourself, your apartment and your neighbors’ door?” He could hear that she was still pissed, but maybe not at pissed as he had feared. “How is old mrs. Beverly anyway, still live and kicking?” 

“She’s fine last time I saw her, don’t know if she has forgiven me yet though. And the jury is still out on which night was the worst, but it was pretty fucking horrible last night Tess.”

“I just wish you would have let me give you a ride home. And maybe slap you for being so stupid.”

“Tess,” he said tiredly. He really wasn’t up for a lecture.

“And also maybe hug you for being such an awesome human for saving that guys life. Heard he might have not been so appreciative though.”

Thomas swallowed a sip of coffee. “You did?” He wasn’t surprised, he felt like Teresa knew everything going on at the hospital. He suspected she was the real life Lord Varys, having “little birds” at every floor to keep up with all the necessary information. 

“Yeah, Sonya told me. She also told me you were the one to drag him out of the water.” She said, her tone soft. “That was really really stupid, and really really brave.”

Thomas huffed a bit. “Yeah I know. I just.. I know he jumped Tess. He didn’t slip, he didn’t fall, he jumped.” He could feel his voice shake a bit. “How could they let him home right away?”

Teresa let out a small huff of air, like she had just been waiting for him to ask. “They should have kept him for observation, they really should have, but Janson is a dick. He kind of has this motto that if people don’t want help they don’t deserve it. I don’t know how he’s still working as a doctor, I think he has a shoe in with the medical board.”

Thomas could hear she was angry and could feel his own chest tightening thinking about the guy from last night. What if he just went back and finished the job? He hadn’t thought about that while plotting to go find him. Then he just wanted to talk to him and make sure he got the help he needed. Now he wasn’t sure that he would be able to even get that help, maybe he was already.. already..

“Tess I have to go.” He could feel a surge of panic through his stomach and started to stand up as he spoke.

“Thomas are you okay?” She sounded worried, and when Teresa was worried there was no way she would just agree to hang up. 

“Yes, yes I’m fine.” He tried to sound convincing. “I just need to get to class that’s all. Can’t miss this one.”

“Call me if you need anything?”

A warm comforting feeling bloomed in his chest at those words and he managed a small smile. “Always.”

***

He stood at the parking lot outside the building, staring at the empty spot where his car should be. For a second he thought it was stolen, before he realized that it was still at the beach. 

“Shit.” So much for getting there as fast as possible. He tore the phone from his back pocket and started to frantically look for a bus that would take him to Cornell University. He gripped the phone tightly, not wanting to drop it due to his sweaty palms.

Well on the bus, after sprinting to the bus stop, his hands were shaking at the thought of mr. Glew, or Newt as the home page of the university said his first name was, not being at work when he got there. He pushed the thoughts aside and tried to calm his breath, still ragged after running. He would just have to deal with that when he got there.

Now, some might think that Thomas would have just tried calling the university before taking a bus to the other side of town to look for a guy that he wasn’t even sure was going to be there, but it is safe to say that Thomas had days where his brain functioned better than on this particular day. So he continued his bus ride, looking out of the window at all the passing cars and trees and wondering how the hell this happened to him, and why. 

***

To say that Cornell university was big was an understatement. The Ithaca college where Thomas were taking his classes was a lot smaller and the campus was way easier to find his way around on. After running around like a mad person, asking every other student he met if he was going the right way, he was absolutely drenched in sweat. His forehead was gleaming in the sun and he could feel his t-shirt sticking to his back. He should have been drinking water this morning, not coffee.

Finally at the building where the department of English he double-checked his phone again to make sure. 

“Professor Newt Glew, department of English.” He read the text beneath the photo for the hundredth time. Looking up at the brick building he took a steadying breath before entering.

***

“Hello, can I help you? You seem a bit lost.” The young man before him smiled and Thomas thanked his lucky star for his capacity to look so utterly confused at any given moment. It was a gift, really. 

“Yeah actually, do you know where professor Glew has his office?” Thomas crossed his fingers that the professor was well known, despite this being a big college. 

The young man smiled again, his blue eyes and freckled skin making him look younger than he probably was. “You’re in luck, I’m Aris, his TA. Are you a friend?” The young man shook his head slightly. “Sorry for being so inquisitive, but I’ve never seen any of professor Glews’ friends visit him at work before. This is a first.”

“Actually,” Thomas began, not really knowing how do put his words. “I’m not a friend, per se. I’m more of a.. new acquaintance?” He could see the TA looking mildly confused, the state of Thomas probably not helping, and tried to save the situation. “Let me start over. My name is Thomas and I sort of just met him last night and we left things kind of on a bad note? Well not bad,” he quickly corrected himself, “just not on the best of terms, if you get what I mean?”. He didn’t think the TA would be willing to help him if he thought they had a fight. The guy started to look very unsure about the situation at hand. Thomas tried another approach. “Actually I really like him and just need to get a chance to apologize for some things, but he’s not answering my texts. So I thought maybe he was at work so that I could come here and apologize, but of course it’s my luck that he has a day off today of all days and..”

“He doesn’t have a day off,” Aris responded. “He called in sick.”

Thomas stopped dead for a second, his throat tightening. He decided to stick to his story, not wanting to out the guy to his colleagues if they didn’t know what happened. “Oh, well maybe that’s my fault. So you see I just really want to apologize and well, maybe you could help me out?” 

Aris gave him a puzzling look. “So, you want me to call him for you or?”

“Actually, I was hoping to maybe get his address?” Thomas tried to look as non-threatening as possible, hoping that this Aris guy has a thing for helping people in need. 

Aris, however, looked hesitant. “I don’t know, I’m not sure he would appreciate me..”

“I just want to send him flowers.” Thomas blurted out. “I won’t go banging on his door like a mad person or anything, just send him a nice bouquet and a card and if he doesn’t want to call me back then that’s his choice.” 

“Oh.” Aris looked a bit stunned at first and Thomas realized that he was basically confessing his made up-feelings about the professor in front of the poor TA. What a day for both of them, right? “Just wait here a second.” Aris said, before turning around and going in to one of the offices. Thomas mood dropped. Great, now the guy was calling security or something and he would never be able to put his foot on the university grounds ever again. But to his surprise Aris soon emerged with a piece of paper in his hand. 

“I had to check it up.” He said, handing the paper to Thomas, a small blush on his cheeks. “Never had a reason to know his address before.” 

“Thank you, really.” Thomas tried to stop himself from sprinting out of the building the second he had the paper in his hands. 

Aris chuckled. “Us guys, gotta have each others back, right? Just remember to invite me to the wedding.” 

Thomas nodded, not sure how his charades actually worked, and thanked him again before semi-calmly starting to walk away. 

“Oh and Thomas?” Aris said before Thomas turned around the corner. “Don’t tell him I gave you that.”

“Don’t worry,” Thomas smiled as he walked backwards towards the exit, “I’ve got your back.” 

*** 

On the cab drive over, because there was no way he was taking another bus, he realized that he hadn’t actually eaten yet. Despite the funky smell of the cab he was growing hungrier by the minute, but he wouldn’t be able to eat before knowing Newt was alright. 

The building was big and modern and everything Thomas apartment building wasn’t. It was all steel and glass and the elevator was so quiet Thomas wasn’t sure he was actually moving if it hadn’t been for the small numbers lighting up for each floor. He got out on the fifth floor, just as the board on the first floor instructed, and quickly found a door with “N. Glew” on the sign. 

His plan while in the cab had been to try and be calm, to actually ensure Newt opening the door. No banging on the door, no shouting, just a quick knock and a “hi, how are you, just wanted to make sure you’re not dead”. After all, he had promised Aris he wouldn’t “bang on the door like a mad person”. Well, at least the thought was good, right? 

While in the elevator Thomas had felt as he was on the ride to some impending doom, a life changing event of some sort and it had made him on edge. His heart was pounding when he reached the door and all of his good intentions to be calm and collected went completely out the window and he started to frantically bang on the door.

“NEWT!” he shouted, not stopping the banging to hear if there was an answer. “NEWT!” What if he was dead? What if he was too late? What if-

His thoughts were interrupted by the door swinging open and he had to jump back for it not to hit him in the face. 

“What the bloody hell mate?” 

There they were, the chocolate colored eyes from the night before. His voice wasn’t as rough anymore, but he unfortunately looked just as pissed off. 

Newt just stared at Thomas for a moment. “You’ve got to be joking.” He stared at Thomas with a look of disbelief in his face, his lips slightly parted. In the back of his brain Thomas noted that they looked soft. 

The man in front of him looked tired, but other than that he seemed to be alright, at lest physically. Thomas took a shuddering breath and could feel small tears of relief forming in his eyes. “Oh thank god.” He bent forward, suddenly dizzy from all the adrenaline that had been keeping him going, placing his hands on his thighs. He took a few breaths and then looked up at Newt. “I thought you.. I didn’t know if you were- if you were okay.” 

Newt snorted. “I’m bloody marvelous. What the hell are you doing here?” He seemed a bit friendlier set now that the initial shock of having someone almost knock his door down was over. 

“I needed to know if you were okay.” Thomas said honestly. He noted that Newt looked at him a bit strangely at that. Did he look surprised? “I.. Well you weren’t at work and I-“

“Work?” Newt narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “And how did you know that, might I ask?” He leaned on the doorframe without losing any of his defensiveness, he just looked slightly more comfortable. Now it was Thomas turn to stare at the other, feeling like the situation had taken a turn he hadn’t expected. In all honesty he didn’t know what he had expected to happen. It wasn’t like the guy was very kindly set at their last interaction and that had hardly changed at the way Thomas just came barging into his life. He suddenly felt unsure of why he had come here in the first place. Sure he wanted to know that the guy was safe, but he realized now that Teresa could have probably helped him make sure about that. Instead he stalked this guy online to find out where he worked and then just flat out lied to the poor TA to get an address to go home to the guy? The night before, lying in bed, he had been sure that they were now somehow connected. That their lives would be intertwined because of the chain of events that had taken place, like some mystical force pulling them together. Now he realized they were complete strangers, and he was probably acting like a mad person. He-

His thoughts were interrupted by his own stomach growling loudly. He became painfully aware of both his hunger and the fact that he had just been staring at Newt for god knows how long without saying a word. He opened his mouth to say.. well to say anything. Try to explain, even though he didn’t know where to start, but Newt beat him to it. 

“Hungry?” His accent, british Thomas had noted, was somehow soothing and he felt himself start to calm down a bit, his mind not spinning quite as fast anymore. It was okay, the guy was alive even though he might be a bit sick of Thomas by now. 

“Yeah, starving actually.” He chuckled a bit, scratching his neck. He felt sticky from all the sweat and just hoped he didn’t look as gross as he felt. He needed a shower, desperately. 

“Well,” Newt said, grabbing the edge of the dark wooden door, “you should probably take care of that.” And then he slammed the door in Thomas’ face.


	3. You're not broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetad, as per usual, so any mistakes are mine.

Newt rested his back against the door and took a shaky breath. What the absolute hell was this guy doing at his apartment? He didn’t need this, couldn’t handle it. He’d kept his phone off all day after calling the university to say that he wouldn’t be coming in today for precisely this reason. He couldn’t bare human contact. Not today. Not yet. And yet, somehow, this guy managed to not only know where he worked but also where he lived and just decided to make a bloody visit? 

It had taken him a second to recognize the man standing outside his door. He looked young, but Newt knew that didn’t need to say much about a person. Not really many thought he was twenty-eight when they saw him, but still here he was, halfway to the grave but still looking like a teenager. 

He sighed, letting his knees bend and slid down so that he was sitting on the floor, his back still resting against the cool surface separating him from his intruder. Did he lock the door? He couldn’t remember. His brain still felt foggy and he had been dreaming about sea monsters all night. He was surprised he could sleep, but he had been to exhausted to stay awake. Now that he was up he could see the foggy waters from yesterday every time he closed his eyes, like it was taunting him. 

He heard someone shuffle around on the other side of the door. So he was still here. He should really lock the door; he didn’t want him to come barging in. Any minute now he would just reach up and lock it. His arm just seemed so heavy. 

“I just-” the voice sounded small now and even more muted by the slab of wood between them. Newt closed his eyes a bit, just to rest them for a second. He still felt completely exhausted. 

“I can’t let you.. I can’t let this go.” He sounded sad, pleading almost. “I know you’re mad at me, and that’s fine, because I’m angry with you to. Well not angry maybe just, I don’t know, you kind of caused this bump in my road. And you can’t expect me to just watch when you.. That’s not fair.” He sounded surer now, his voice dark but with a softness to it. “So call me a wannabe superhero or whatever you want, but I won’t regret saving your life. No matter how angry you are.”

Newt sighed. “You won’t go away will you?” His eyes were still closed, his head resting against the door. He tried to breathe slow and steady. 

“No, I won’t. That doctor last night was.. I can’t believe he wouldn’t help you. I know I don’t know you and you probably just think I’m an annoying dick for being here, but I refuse to be like that doctor. I refuse to believe you don’t deserve help.” 

Newt inhaled sharply at that, feeling a twinge of emotion in his chest. “Shit.” He muttered to himself. This guy reminded him of Minho, so bloody persistent. The voice outside fell silent and Newt tilted his head slightly to the side to make sure the guy would hear him. “Hey, what’s your name?” 

There was a second of silence on the other side of the door, like the guy was surprised he got a response. 

“Thomas.” He finally answered. “I kind of forget you don’t know that.” He chuckled lightly. “Talk about doing everything backwards.” 

Newt smiled lightly. “Yeah well I guess this isn’t how you usually meet people.” 

“Yeah you’re right. Unusual situations call for unusual ways of greeting people, I guess.” 

He didn’t sound bothered by their current situation at all and even though Newt didn’t want to, he kind of liked this guy. Had the situation been different, had he been different, he wouldn’t mind this kind of person as a friend. 

“Hey,” Thomas voice was soft, “could I come in?” 

There was a moment of stillness before Newt sighed and rubbed his eyes. He stood up, his tall lanky body aching a bit from sitting on the floor, or maybe from the events of the day before, and ran a hand through his blonde hair before grabbing the door handle and opening the door. 

Worried hazel eyes met his and he hesitated a moment before he stepped to the side to let the guy in. 

***

A few weeks before Newt was sitting at the exact same spot in the windowsill, looking out at the traffic and people passing by in an endless stream. He had felt small, insignificant. And lonely in a way he could never describe to anyone. The contrast between that day and this could not have been bigger. It was like Thomas brought life into his apartment. Newt never had people over, he preferred to keep his home his own personal space, so the only person he had let in before was Minho, his best friend. No one else. It was strange having Thomas there, but not entirely unpleasant. Just different. 

When Newt let Thomas in he seemed like he didn’t know what to do at first, so he kind of just fidgeted with his fingers and peeked around the corner to the living room. Then he saw the giant window that was overlooking the city and just walked over and sat down on the grey cushions on the windowsill like he belonged there. Newt couldn’t do much else than follow him. Luckily the window was big, big enough for Newt to lie down, fully stretched out, on the cushions if he wanted, so he didn’t have to sit in any awkwardly close proximity to Thomas. 

“This view is amazing.” Thomas looked out over the city. 

“Kind of depressing, actually. Lonely.” Newts voice was low, the last word barely audible. Thomas eyes focused on him again and Newt instantly regretted his words. He didn’t know why he had said that. He should try and make the guy less worried, not more. 

“Just imagine me waving.” 

Newt furrowed his brow. “Huh?” 

Thomas smiled, the kind of genuine smile that reaches the eyes. “When you look out the window and it makes you feel lonely. Just imagine me down there, waving at you.” 

Newt couldn’t help but meet Thomas’ hazel gaze and there it was again. That twinge of emotions in his chest. Who was this guy? Newt didn’t think he had ever met anyone like him. 

“Who are you?” He sounded breathless, like he had been running a marathon or something. Thomas laughed softly and Newt shook his head, realizing how that must have sounded. “Sorry, no filter today I guess.” 

“It’s okay. I’m the one that was banging on your door remember?” Still smiling he adjusted his position so that he was sitting more comfortably. How could he look so at home? So much like he belonged there? Newt always felt like he looked like the odd one out, no matter where he was. “I’m Thomas, Thomas Killigan.” He made a gesture with his hands towards himself. “I work part time at a small shop that repairs computers and stuff like that, and I take some classes at Itacha college.” 

Newt reacted at that. Wait, how young was this guy? Was he just a teenager? “How old are you?” He must have looked concerned, because Thomas hurriedly explained.

“Not that young,” he laughed. “I’m 24. I switched major once and then I took a hiatus for little over a year because of some reasons I don’t have to elaborate on right now and now I’m just trying to finish so that I can get my degree before I’m forty.” He laughed again. Newt was slightly in awe of how care free he seemed, despite the weird situation. “My family is not impressed, but I decided I don’t give a crap, so I’m just doing things the way that feels right.” He said the last bit with firmly, like he wanted to convince not only Newt but also himself. 

Needless to say Newt was growing curious about Thomas, so much so that for a moment he forgot why they were actually there. Thomas explained a bit about the his major, mechanical engineering, and what he liked about it. He told Newt that his family wanted him to be a surgeon and that they were very disappointed when he dropped the pre-med classes. 

“But enough about me, that wasn’t the reason I came here.” He looked concerned again and Newt just wished he would keep talking about himself. “I came here because I saw you being mistreated at that hospital and I want to make sure you get the right help.” 

Anyone else saying this would have heavily pissed Newt off. Minho sure did last time Newt had put himself in the same situation. But Newt felt himself having a real issue with getting angry at Thomas again. Maybe it was just the fact that he had already been angry at him, twice now, that made him hesitate. Or maybe it was just the honesty in Thomas that made him soften. 

Newt sighed and put his feet up on the cushions and drew his knees into his chest, hugging himself into a small ball. “Look I.. Last night was probably shit for you and I’m sorry.” He started, looking out the window instead of directly at Thomas. “I didn’t mean for anyone to have to see.. that.” He glanced over at Thomas who had his eyes fixed on Newt. “And I’m sorry for being a prick, at the hospital and before.” He made a small motion toward the door with his head. “You didn’t deserve that. But I need you to understand something.” He took a steadying breath and looked into the hazel eyes before him. “You can’t fix me. I’m.. That’s just not possible. And I understand it’s hard to just walk away but,” He hesitated. “You’re going to get hurt. People always do. You don’t deserve that.” He swallowed dryly, waiting for a reaction. While he spoke Thomas’ had been absolutely still, just looking at him. It was the first time in their short period together that Newt had trouble reading him.

“I don’t want to fix you.” The response was unexpected and Newt felt his eyebrows furrowing. People always wanted to fix him. Everyone who had ever know about his mental state wanted to fix him. 

“I don’t think you’re broken.” Thomas continued, “You just.. you just need help. Like everyone else does sometimes. There’s noting wrong with that. And since that doctor refused to help you I want to help you find someone who can. Will you let me?” There he was again, open and honest, like a book you could take out of a bookshelf and just read with ease. Newt doubted this guy could lie even if he wanted to. 

Newt didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to get help. He’d tried that before and had quickly realized that he was unfixable. 

“Look, I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve tried the whole help-thing and it just isn’t for me. Besides, things are normally fine when I’m on my meds, I just ran out and couldn’t take them for a while and that’s why..” He didn’t finish his sentence because he didn’t know how sensitive this guy was. With Minho he would have just blurted out something along the lines of “and that’s why I got fucked up and tried to off myself”, but this guy seemed more sensitive. 

“Have you got your meds now?” Thomas asked. 

“Yeah, I got my prescription filled last night at the hospital and they have me enough to get through the day. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow.” 

“Promise you’ll do that?” Once again, someone else doing this, acting so concerned about him, would have annoyed him. But for some reason not this guy.

“Yes, I promise.” He didn’t feel the need to try and lie to Thomas, didn’t want to. He’d go and get the pills tomorrow and then get to work where there was people around. 

Thomas changed his position slightly, causing him to sit just a smidge closer to Newt. “What time?” 

Newt felt distracted, having discovered the small, dark moles that were scattered all other the man in front of him. Like small constellations on his skin. “What?” 

Thomas eyes gleamed and he looked mischievous? Like he was plotting something? Or just glad? Newt couldn’t tell. “What time are you getting the pills?” Thomas repeated. 

“First thing in the morning, I promise. As soon as they open.” Newt assured him. 

“So around nine?” He was still leaning forward a bit, keeping his gaze fixed on Newt.

Newt silently wondered where Thomas was going with this. “Yes, at nine.” He reassured.

Thomas smiled, leaning back against the inside of the window once more. “Good, I’ll see you then.” 

***

After spending at least five minutes trying to convince Thomas that he did not have to come with him to the pharmacist he had realized that he would never get the guy to leave if he didn’t agree. So he agreed to wait for Thomas before leaving in the morning just to get some peace and quiet. Thomas had also left his number before he left and stressed that Newt could call anytime, no seriously any time. Now reminded of the fact that he had kept his phone off all day he switched it on and was instantly bombarded with notifications about missed calls and texts. 

“Bloody hell.” He muttered to himself. There was one missed call from the college, probably Aris calling to check something with him, and about a million calls and texts from Minho, one angrier and more scared sounding than the other. He quickly called him up and got an answer so quickly Minho must had been waiting with his phone in his hand for him to call.

“Hey Min, I’m sorry mate, my phone was dead.” He spoke before Minho could have a chance to, a habit he had developed after his first suicide attempt, when Minho drunkenly had confessed that he was so scared every time Newt called because he didn’t know if it was actually Newt calling or someone else calling from his phone with some horrible news. 

“You absolute dick.” Minho sounded angry, but Newt knew him enough to know he had just been scared. 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Apologizing a million times, that was the best approach. 

“I texted you this morning and you didn’t answer. And then I called, and still no answer. And so I called the university and your TA told me you called in sick. Sick Newt. Sick.” He emphasized the last word. He knew Newt didn’t get sick, not like colds and stuff. If Newt called in sick it had something to do with his mental state and Newt always texted Minho if he was going to stay home for a day, just so that he wouldn’t worry if he called the university and Newt wasn’t there. “So I call you again, about a million times and almost called the police when I decided to call your TA again and he said that you were probably not sick, just home because you had an argument with your boyfriend and that it was probably going to be fine because the boyfriend seemed so nice and sweet and was going to send you some flowers to apologize and I was just sitting there listening to him go on and on about you and your boyfriend and all I could think of was WHAT FREAKING BOYFRIEND NEWT?” 

Newt held the phone a bit from his ear at the last bit, not wanting his brains to be blown out of his head by the sheer volume of Minhos’ voice. 

“Boyfriend?” Newt was as puzzled as Minho was. “Are you sure you talked to Aris and not some other TA that had me confused with someone else? I don’t have a-“ Newt stopped himself and fell silent. No, he didn’t have a boyfriend, but he had a very persistent hazel eyed guy that somehow got hold of his address. A very very sneaky person that must be better at lying than Newt had thought. Or maybe Aris was just very gullible. 

“Yes?” Minho was still pissed, but also curious enough to stay on the line with him now that he knew Newt was okay.

“Sorry I.. I don’t really know how to explain it but I think I know who he’s talking about. And no, he is not my boyfriend, but he did need my address so I guess he succeeded in fooling the most gullible person on earth.” He felt a bit sorry for throwing Aris under the bus, but hey, he had given a stranger Newts’ address without asking him. 

“This sounds like something that calls for burgers and beer. Meet me at Tonis later when I’m off work?” 

Usually Newt liked the simplicity of their usual hangout, a no-bullshit kind of place with good beer and even better burgers, but the thought of spending the whole evening surrounded by strangers, even it there were just a few, made him feel achy, like he was getting a flu. 

“Actually, could you come over? We can order in or something?” This was an unusual request for Newt since him and Minho spent close to no time at his place when hanging out, but having Thomas there before made him realize how empty the apartment felt. He could really use some company. 

“Sure.” Minhos’ voice was soft and Newt knew that he knew something was up, but just chose to save the questions for later, “You know it buddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another chapter. I'm probably not going to keep this pace up but I've been feeling inspired lately so I just kind of took advantage of that. 
> 
> If there's any weirdness about colleges or university and stuff like that you'll have to forgive me, I'm not from the U.S. so I just tried to google my way.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm giving this fanfic business a whack again after being inspired by the music track in a podcast I was listening to. The title is heavily inspired by (read: stolen) from the song by Florence and the machine with the same name.


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